Creepy Thug

INT. A LIBRARY - AFTERNOON

Bold robot from space DR ROB THUNDER is arguing with noble psychiatrist SIR DUDLEY GLOOP. ROB tries to hug DUDLEY but he shakes him off.

ROB
Please Dudley, don't leave me.

DUDLEY
I'm sorry Rob, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

ROB
I am such a person!

DUDLEY frowns.

DUDLEY
I'm sorry, Rob. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DUDLEY leaves.

ROB sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, charming fishmonger LORD PETER GABRIEL barges in looking flustered.

ROB
Goodness, Peter! Is everything okay?

PETER
I'm afraid not.

ROB
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

PETER
It's ... a thug ... I saw an evil thug punch a bunch of babies!

ROB
Defenseless babies?

PETER
Yes, defenseless babies!

ROB
Bloomin' heck, Peter! We've got to do something.

PETER
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ROB
You can start by telling me where this happened.

PETER
I was...

PETER fans himself and begins to wheeze.

ROB
Focus Peter, focus! Where did it happen?

PETER
a supermarket! That's right - a supermarket!

ROB springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ROB rushes along the street, followed by PETER. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - SHORTLY AFTER

DICK COCKLE a creepy thug terrorises two babies.

ROB, closely followed by PETER, rushes towards DICK, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

PETER
What is is? What's the matter?

ROB
That's not just any old thug, that's Dick Cockle!

PETER
Who's Dick Cockle?

ROB
Who's Dick Cockle? Who's Dick Cockle? Only the most creepy thug in the universe!

PETER
Blinkin' knickers, Rob! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy thug in the universe!

ROB
You can say that again.

PETER
Blinkin' knickers, Rob! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy thug in the universe!

ROB
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.

Dick turns and sees Rob and Peter. He grins an evil grin.

DICK
Rob Thunder, we meet again.

PETER
You've met?

ROB
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ROB is sitting in a park listening to some classic rock music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DICK. He takes off his headphones.

DICK
Would you like some pure sugar?

ROB's eyes light up, but then he studies DICK more closely, and looks uneasy.

ROB
I don't know, you look kind of creepy.

DICK
Me? No. I'm not creepy. I'm the least creepy thug in the world.

ROB
Wait, you're a thug?

ROB runs away, screaming.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - PRESENT DAY

DICK
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

PETER
(To ROB) You ran away?

ROB
(To PETER) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ROB turns to DICK.

ROB
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ROB runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

ROB
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.

DICK
I'm not scared of you.

ROB
You should be.

INT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

ROB and PETER walk around searching for something.

ROB
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.

PETER
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.

ROB
You know nothing Peter Gabriel.

PETER
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DICK appears, holding a pair of rainbows.

DICK
Looking for something?

PETER
Crikey, Rob, he's got your rainbows.

ROB
Tell me something I don't already know!

PETER
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ROB
I know that already!

PETER
I suck dick.

DICK
(appalled) Dude!

While DICK is looking at PETER with disgust, ROB lunges forward and grabs his deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.

ROB
Prepare to die, you creepy turnip!

DICK
No please! All I did was punch a bunch of babies!

DUDLEY enters, unseen by any of the others.

ROB
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Rob Thunder defender of innocent babies.

DICK
Don't hurt me! Please!

ROB
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!

DICK
Because Rob, I am your father.

ROB looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

ROB
No you're not!

DICK
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

DICK tries to grab the rainbows but ROB dodges out of the way.

ROB
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DICK slumps to the ground.

PETER
Did he just faint?

ROB
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.

ROB crouches over DICK's body.

PETER
Be careful, Rob. It could be a trick.

ROB
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Dick Cockle is dead!

ROB
What?

ROB
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

PETER claps his hands.

PETER
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.

DUDLEY steps forward.

DUDLEY
Is it true? Did you kill the creepy thug?

ROB
Dudley how long have you been...?

DUDLEY puts his arm around ROB.

DUDLEY
Long enough.

ROB
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Dick Cockle.

DUDLEY
Then the babies are safe?

ROB
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

DUDLEY
You are their hero.

The babies bow to ROB.

ROB
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Dick Cockle will never punch babies ever again, is enough for me.

DUDLEY
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the babies passes ROB a delightful Dr. Pibb

DUDLEY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ROB
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ROB
Well, if you insist.

ROB takes the Dr. Pibb.

ROB
Thank you.

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

ROB turns to DUDLEY.

ROB
Does this mean you want me back?

DUDLEY
Oh, Rob, of course I want you back!

ROB smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ROB
Well you can't have me.

DUDLEY
WHAT?

ROB
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a thug to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

DUDLEY
But...

ROB
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Peter.

PETER grins.

DUDLEY
But...

PETER
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

DUDLEY
Rob?

ROB
I'm sorry Dudley, but I think you should skidaddle.

DUDLEY leaves.

PETER turns to ROB.

PETER
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ROB
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly PETER stops.

PETER
When I said I suck dick, you know I was just trying to distract the thug don't you?

THE END