Arrogant Shadow Client

INT. MARRAKESH - AFTERNOON

Witty Hitman MR BURN 4488 is arguing with Intelligent Handler MS. DIANA BURNWOOD. BURN tries to hug DIANA but she shakes him off.

BURN
Please Diana, don't leave me.

DIANA
I'm sorry Burn, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

BURN
I am such a person!

DIANA frowns.

DIANA
I'm sorry, Burn. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DIANA leaves.

BURN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, clever Hitman CHAOS AGENT 45 barges in looking flustered.

BURN
Goodness, Agent! Is everything okay?

AGENT
I'm afraid not.

BURN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

AGENT
It's ... a Shadow client ... I saw an evil Shadow client Dress a bunch of Roccos!

BURN
Defenseless Roccos?

AGENT
Yes, defenseless Roccos!

BURN
Bloomin' heck, Agent! We've got to do something.

AGENT
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

BURN
You can start by telling me where this happened.

AGENT
I was...

AGENT fans himself and begins to wheeze.

BURN
Focus Agent, focus! Where did it happen?

AGENT
Sapienza! That's right - Sapienza!

BURN springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

BURN rushes along the street, followed by AGENT. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. SAPIENZA - SHORTLY AFTER

FREEZE 2244 an arrogant Shadow client terrorises two Roccos.

BURN, closely followed by AGENT, rushes towards FREEZE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

AGENT
What is is? What's the matter?

BURN
That's not just any old Shadow client, that's Freeze 2244!

AGENT
Who's Freeze 2244?

BURN
Who's Freeze 2244? Who's Freeze 2244? Only the most arrogant Shadow client in the universe!

AGENT
Blinkin' knickers, Burn! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant Shadow client in the universe!

BURN
You can say that again.

AGENT
Blinkin' knickers, Burn! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant Shadow client in the universe!

BURN
I'm going to need Silverballers, lots of Silverballers.

Freeze turns and sees Burn and Agent. He grins an evil grin.

FREEZE
Burn 4488, we meet again.

AGENT
You've met?

BURN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young BURN is sitting in a park listening to some hitman music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees FREEZE. He takes off his headphones.

FREEZE
Would you like some weed?

BURN's eyes light up, but then he studies FREEZE more closely, and looks uneasy.

BURN
I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.

FREEZE
Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant Shadow client in the world.

BURN
Wait, you're a Shadow client?

BURN runs away, screaming.

INT. SAPIENZA - PRESENT DAY

FREEZE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

AGENT
(To BURN) You ran away?

BURN
(To AGENT) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

BURN turns to FREEZE.

BURN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

BURN runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

BURN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Silverballers.

FREEZE
I'm not scared of you.

BURN
You should be.

INT. PARIS - LATER THAT DAY

BURN and AGENT walk around searching for something.

BURN
I feel sure I left my Silverballers somewhere around here.

AGENT
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Silverballers.

BURN
You know nothing Agent 45.

AGENT
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, FREEZE appears, holding a pair of Silverballers.

FREEZE
Looking for something?

AGENT
Crikey, Burn, he's got your Silverballers.

BURN
Tell me something I don't already know!

AGENT
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

BURN
I know that already!

AGENT
I love Hitman absolution.

FREEZE
(appalled) Dude!

While FREEZE is looking at AGENT with disgust, BURN lunges forward and grabs his deadly Silverballers. He wields them, triumphantly.

BURN
Prepare to die, you arrogant potato!

FREEZE
No please! All I did was Dress a bunch of Roccos!

DIANA enters, unseen by any of the others.

BURN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Roccos were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Burn 4488 defender of innocent Roccos.

FREEZE
Don't hurt me! Please!

BURN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Silverballers on you right away!

FREEZE
Because Burn, I am your father.

BURN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

BURN
No you're not!

FREEZE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

FREEZE tries to grab the Silverballers but BURN dodges out of the way.

BURN
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, FREEZE slumps to the ground.

AGENT
Did he just faint?

BURN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Silverballers.

BURN crouches over FREEZE's body.

AGENT
Be careful, Burn. It could be a trick.

BURN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Freeze 2244 is dead!

BURN
What?

BURN
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

AGENT claps his hands.

AGENT
So your Silverballers did save the day, after all.

DIANA steps forward.

DIANA
Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant Shadow client?

BURN
Diana how long have you been...?

DIANA puts her arm around BURN.

DIANA
Long enough.

BURN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Freeze 2244.

DIANA
Then the Roccos are safe?

BURN
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Roccos enter, looking relived.

DIANA
You are their hero.

The Roccos bow to BURN.

BURN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Freeze 2244 will never Dress Roccos ever again, is enough for me.

DIANA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Roccos passes BURN a golden Briefcase

DIANA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

BURN
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

BURN
Well, if you insist.

BURN takes the Briefcase.

BURN
Thank you.

The Roccos bow their heads once more, and leave.

BURN turns to DIANA.

BURN
Does this mean you want me back?

DIANA
Oh, Burn, of course I want you back!

BURN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BURN
Well you can't have me.

DIANA
WHAT?

BURN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Shadow client to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

DIANA
But...

BURN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Agent.

AGENT grins.

DIANA
But...

AGENT
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

DIANA
Burn?

BURN
I'm sorry Diana, but I think you should skidaddle.

DIANA leaves.

AGENT turns to BURN.

AGENT
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

BURN
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly AGENT stops.

AGENT
When I said I love Hitman absolution, you know I was just trying to distract the Shadow client don't you?

THE END