Callous Zombie

EXT. OLD HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Disturbed scientist DR ELIZABETH WALKER is arguing with dead nurse MISS HEATHER SLAUGHTERHOUSE. ELIZABETH tries to hug HEATHER but she shakes her off.

ELIZABETH
Please Heather, don't leave me.

HEATHER
I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

ELIZABETH
I am such a person!

HEATHER frowns.

HEATHER
I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

HEATHER leaves.

ELIZABETH sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, thoughtful housekeeper PROF GREGORY LAKEMAN barges in looking flustered.

ELIZABETH
Goodness, Gregory! Is everything okay?

GREGORY
I'm afraid not.

ELIZABETH
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

GREGORY
It's ... a zombie ... I saw an evil zombie eat a bunch of babies!

ELIZABETH
Defenseless babies?

GREGORY
Yes, defenseless babies!

ELIZABETH
Bloomin' heck, Gregory! We've got to do something.

GREGORY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ELIZABETH
You can start by telling me where this happened.

GREGORY
I was...

GREGORY fans himself and begins to wheeze.

ELIZABETH
Focus Gregory, focus! Where did it happen?

GREGORY
Old House Entry! That's right - Old House Entry!

ELIZABETH springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ELIZABETH rushes along the street, followed by GREGORY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. OLD HOUSE ENTRY - SHORTLY AFTER

MATHIAS NOLAN a callous zombie terrorises two babies.

ELIZABETH, closely followed by GREGORY, rushes towards MATHIAS, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

GREGORY
What is is? What's the matter?

ELIZABETH
That's not just any old zombie, that's Mathias Nolan!

GREGORY
Who's Mathias Nolan?

ELIZABETH
Who's Mathias Nolan? Who's Mathias Nolan? Only the most callous zombie in the universe!

GREGORY
Blinkin' knickers, Elizabeth! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most callous zombie in the universe!

ELIZABETH
You can say that again.

GREGORY
Blinkin' knickers, Elizabeth! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most callous zombie in the universe!

ELIZABETH
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Mathias turns and sees Elizabeth and Gregory. He grins an evil grin.

MATHIAS
Elizabeth Walker, we meet again.

GREGORY
You've met?

ELIZABETH
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ELIZABETH is sitting in a park listening to some neoclassical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees MATHIAS. She takes off her headphones.

MATHIAS
Would you like some peppermints?

ELIZABETH's eyes light up, but then he studies MATHIAS more closely, and looks uneasy.

ELIZABETH
I don't know, you look kind of callous.

MATHIAS
Me? No. I'm not callous. I'm the least callous zombie in the world.

ELIZABETH
Wait, you're a zombie?

ELIZABETH runs away, screaming.

INT. OLD HOUSE ENTRY - PRESENT DAY

MATHIAS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

GREGORY
(To ELIZABETH) You ran away?

ELIZABETH
(To GREGORY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ELIZABETH turns to MATHIAS.

ELIZABETH
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ELIZABETH runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

ELIZABETH
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.

MATHIAS
I'm not scared of you.

ELIZABETH
You should be.

INT. OLD HOUSE LAB - LATER THAT DAY

ELIZABETH and GREGORY walk around searching for something.

ELIZABETH
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

GREGORY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

ELIZABETH
You know nothing Gregory Lakeman.

GREGORY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MATHIAS appears, holding a pair of spoons.

MATHIAS
Looking for something?

GREGORY
Crikey, Elizabeth, he's got your spoons.

ELIZABETH
Tell me something I don't already know!

GREGORY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ELIZABETH
I know that already!

GREGORY
I like to murder people.

MATHIAS
(appalled) Dude!

While MATHIAS is looking at GREGORY with disgust, ELIZABETH lunges forward and grabs her deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

ELIZABETH
Prepare to die, you callous radish!

MATHIAS
No please! All I did was eat a bunch of babies!

HEATHER enters, unseen by any of the others.

ELIZABETH
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Elizabeth Walker defender of innocent babies.

MATHIAS
Don't hurt me! Please!

ELIZABETH
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!

MATHIAS
Because Elizabeth, I am your father.

ELIZABETH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ELIZABETH
No you're not!

MATHIAS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MATHIAS tries to grab the spoons but ELIZABETH dodges out of the way.

ELIZABETH
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MATHIAS slumps to the ground.

GREGORY
Did he just faint?

ELIZABETH
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

ELIZABETH crouches over MATHIAS's body.

GREGORY
Be careful, Elizabeth. It could be a trick.

ELIZABETH
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mathias Nolan is dead!

ELIZABETH
What?

ELIZABETH
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

GREGORY claps his hands.

GREGORY
So your spoons did save the day, after all.

HEATHER steps forward.

HEATHER
Is it true? Did you kill the callous zombie?

ELIZABETH
Heather how long have you been...?

HEATHER puts her arm around ELIZABETH.

HEATHER
Long enough.

ELIZABETH
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mathias Nolan.

HEATHER
Then the babies are safe?

ELIZABETH
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

HEATHER
You are their hero.

The babies bow to ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mathias Nolan will never eat babies ever again, is enough for me.

HEATHER
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the babies passes ELIZABETH a shiny book

HEATHER
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ELIZABETH
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ELIZABETH
Well, if you insist.

ELIZABETH takes the book.

ELIZABETH
Thank you.

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

ELIZABETH turns to HEATHER.

ELIZABETH
Does this mean you want me back?

HEATHER
Oh, Elizabeth, of course I want you back!

ELIZABETH smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ELIZABETH
Well you can't have me.

HEATHER
WHAT?

ELIZABETH
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a zombie to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

HEATHER
But...

ELIZABETH
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Gregory.

GREGORY grins.

HEATHER
But...

GREGORY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

HEATHER
Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH
I'm sorry Heather, but I think you should skidaddle.

HEATHER leaves.

GREGORY turns to ELIZABETH.

GREGORY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ELIZABETH
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly GREGORY stops.

GREGORY
When I said I like to murder people, you know I was just trying to distract the zombie don't you?

THE END