Arrogant SJW

INT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - AFTERNOON

Funny Calibrator MR GARRUS VAKARIAN is arguing with gentle doctor MISTRESS VERTI GOMEZ. GARRUS tries to hug VERTI but she shakes him off.

GARRUS
Please Verti, don't leave me.

VERTI
I'm sorry Garrus, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

GARRUS
I am such a person!

VERTI frowns.

VERTI
I'm sorry, Garrus. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

VERTI leaves.

GARRUS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, energetic Artist MISS STICKAROO MEADOWS barges in looking flustered.

GARRUS
Goodness, Stickaroo! Is everything okay?

STICKAROO
I'm afraid not.

GARRUS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

STICKAROO
It's ... a SJW ... I saw an evil SJW hump a bunch of swimmers!

GARRUS
Defenseless swimmers?

STICKAROO
Yes, defenseless swimmers!

GARRUS
Bloomin' heck, Stickaroo! We've got to do something.

STICKAROO
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

GARRUS
You can start by telling me where this happened.

STICKAROO
I was...

STICKAROO fans himself and begins to wheeze.

GARRUS
Focus Stickaroo, focus! Where did it happen?

STICKAROO
Kings Cross Station! That's right - Kings Cross Station!

GARRUS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

GARRUS rushes along the street, followed by STICKAROO. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION - SHORTLY AFTER

NOXXY HEARNE an arrogant SJW terrorises two swimmers.

GARRUS, closely followed by STICKAROO, rushes towards NOXXY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

STICKAROO
What is is? What's the matter?

GARRUS
That's not just any old SJW, that's Noxxy Hearne!

STICKAROO
Who's Noxxy Hearne?

GARRUS
Who's Noxxy Hearne? Who's Noxxy Hearne? Only the most arrogant SJW in the universe!

STICKAROO
Blinkin' knickers, Garrus! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant SJW in the universe!

GARRUS
You can say that again.

STICKAROO
Blinkin' knickers, Garrus! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant SJW in the universe!

GARRUS
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Noxxy turns and sees Garrus and Stickaroo. She grins an evil grin.

NOXXY
Garrus Vakarian, we meet again.

STICKAROO
You've met?

GARRUS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young GARRUS is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees NOXXY. He takes off his headphones.

NOXXY
Would you like some jelly tots?

GARRUS's eyes light up, but then he studies NOXXY more closely, and looks uneasy.

GARRUS
I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.

NOXXY
Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant SJW in the world.

GARRUS
Wait, you're a SJW?

GARRUS runs away, screaming.

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION - PRESENT DAY

NOXXY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

STICKAROO
(To GARRUS) You ran away?

GARRUS
(To STICKAROO) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

GARRUS turns to NOXXY.

GARRUS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

GARRUS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

GARRUS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.

NOXXY
I'm not scared of you.

GARRUS
You should be.

EXT. STRIP CLUB - LATER THAT DAY

GARRUS and STICKAROO walk around searching for something.

GARRUS
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

STICKAROO
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

GARRUS
You know nothing Stickaroo Meadows.

STICKAROO
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, NOXXY appears, holding a pair of spoons.

NOXXY
Looking for something?

STICKAROO
Crikey, Garrus, she's got your spoons.

GARRUS
Tell me something I don't already know!

STICKAROO
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

GARRUS
I know that already!

STICKAROO
I used to think Keanu Reeves was a black baseball player..

NOXXY
(appalled) Dude!

While NOXXY is looking at STICKAROO with disgust, GARRUS lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

GARRUS
Prepare to die, you arrogant potato!

NOXXY
No please! All I did was hump a bunch of swimmers!

VERTI enters, unseen by any of the others.

GARRUS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Garrus Vakarian defender of innocent swimmers.

NOXXY
Don't hurt me! Please!

GARRUS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!

NOXXY
Because Garrus, I am your mother.

GARRUS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

GARRUS
No you're not!

NOXXY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

NOXXY tries to grab the spoons but GARRUS dodges out of the way.

GARRUS
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, NOXXY slumps to the ground.

STICKAROO
Did she just faint?

GARRUS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

GARRUS crouches over NOXXY's body.

STICKAROO
Be careful, Garrus. It could be a trick.

GARRUS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Noxxy Hearne is dead!

GARRUS
What?

GARRUS
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

STICKAROO claps his hands.

STICKAROO
So your spoons did save the day, after all.

VERTI steps forward.

VERTI
Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant SJW?

GARRUS
Verti how long have you been...?

VERTI puts her arm around GARRUS.

VERTI
Long enough.

GARRUS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Noxxy Hearne.

VERTI
Then the swimmers are safe?

GARRUS
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

VERTI
You are their hero.

The swimmers bow to GARRUS.

GARRUS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Noxxy Hearne will never hump swimmers ever again, is enough for me.

VERTI
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the swimmers passes GARRUS a wooden talisman

VERTI
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

GARRUS
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

GARRUS
Well, if you insist.

GARRUS takes the talisman.

GARRUS
Thank you.

The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

GARRUS turns to VERTI.

GARRUS
Does this mean you want me back?

VERTI
Oh, Garrus, of course I want you back!

GARRUS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

GARRUS
Well you can't have me.

VERTI
WHAT?

GARRUS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a SJW to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

VERTI
But...

GARRUS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Stickaroo.

STICKAROO grins.

VERTI
But...

STICKAROO
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

VERTI
Garrus?

GARRUS
I'm sorry Verti, but I think you should skidaddle.

VERTI leaves.

STICKAROO turns to GARRUS.

STICKAROO
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

GARRUS
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly STICKAROO stops.

STICKAROO
When I said I used to think Keanu Reeves was a black baseball player., you know I was just trying to distract the SJW don't you?

THE END