Tactless Hooligan

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - AFTERNOON

Intelligent librarian MS BETTY GURTZ is arguing with helpful author DOOLY SPRINGER. BETTY tries to hug DOOLY but he shakes her off.

BETTY
Please Dooly, don't leave me.

DOOLY
I'm sorry Betty, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

BETTY
I am such a person!

DOOLY frowns.

DOOLY
I'm sorry, Betty. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DOOLY leaves.

BETTY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, witty nurse MISS PATIENCE LUNDY barges in looking flustered.

BETTY
Goodness, Patience! Is everything okay?

PATIENCE
I'm afraid not.

BETTY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

PATIENCE
It's ... a hooligan ... I saw an evil hooligan trick a bunch of customers!

BETTY
Defenseless customers?

PATIENCE
Yes, defenseless customers!

BETTY
Bloomin' heck, Patience! We've got to do something.

PATIENCE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

BETTY
You can start by telling me where this happened.

PATIENCE
I was...

PATIENCE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

BETTY
Focus Patience, focus! Where did it happen?

PATIENCE
National History Museum! That's right - National History Museum!

BETTY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

BETTY rushes along the street, followed by PATIENCE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - SHORTLY AFTER

CHAD OVERTON a tactless hooligan terrorises two customers.

BETTY, closely followed by PATIENCE, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

PATIENCE
What is is? What's the matter?

BETTY
That's not just any old hooligan, that's Chad Overton!

PATIENCE
Who's Chad Overton?

BETTY
Who's Chad Overton? Who's Chad Overton? Only the most tactless hooligan in the universe!

PATIENCE
Blinkin' knickers, Betty! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless hooligan in the universe!

BETTY
You can say that again.

PATIENCE
Blinkin' knickers, Betty! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless hooligan in the universe!

BETTY
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.

Chad turns and sees Betty and Patience. He grins an evil grin.

CHAD
Betty Gurtz, we meet again.

PATIENCE
You've met?

BETTY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young BETTY is sitting in a park listening to some Rock music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHAD. She takes off her headphones.

CHAD
Would you like some chocolate?

BETTY's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.

BETTY
I don't know, you look kind of tactless.

CHAD
Me? No. I'm not tactless. I'm the least tactless hooligan in the world.

BETTY
Wait, you're a hooligan?

BETTY runs away, screaming.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - PRESENT DAY

CHAD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

PATIENCE
(To BETTY) You ran away?

BETTY
(To PATIENCE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

BETTY turns to CHAD.

BETTY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

BETTY runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

BETTY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.

CHAD
I'm not scared of you.

BETTY
You should be.

EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

BETTY and PATIENCE walk around searching for something.

BETTY
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.

PATIENCE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.

BETTY
You know nothing Patience Lundy.

PATIENCE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

CHAD
Looking for something?

PATIENCE
Crikey, Betty, he's got your paperweights.

BETTY
Tell me something I don't already know!

PATIENCE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

BETTY
I know that already!

PATIENCE
I ripped the seat of my pants.

CHAD
(appalled) Dude!

While CHAD is looking at PATIENCE with disgust, BETTY lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

BETTY
Prepare to die, you tactless cabbage!

CHAD
No please! All I did was trick a bunch of customers!

DOOLY enters, unseen by any of the others.

BETTY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those customers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Betty Gurtz defender of innocent customers.

CHAD
Don't hurt me! Please!

BETTY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!

CHAD
Because Betty, I am your father.

BETTY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

BETTY
No you're not!

CHAD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHAD tries to grab the paperweights but BETTY dodges out of the way.

BETTY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.

PATIENCE
Did he just faint?

BETTY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.

BETTY crouches over CHAD's body.

PATIENCE
Be careful, Betty. It could be a trick.

BETTY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Overton is dead!

BETTY
What?

BETTY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

PATIENCE claps her hands.

PATIENCE
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.

DOOLY steps forward.

DOOLY
Is it true? Did you kill the tactless hooligan?

BETTY
Dooly how long have you been...?

DOOLY puts his arm around BETTY.

DOOLY
Long enough.

BETTY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Overton.

DOOLY
Then the customers are safe?

BETTY
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable customers enter, looking relived.

DOOLY
You are their hero.

The customers bow to BETTY.

BETTY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Overton will never trick customers ever again, is enough for me.

DOOLY
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the customers passes BETTY a family heirloom

DOOLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

BETTY
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

BETTY
Well, if you insist.

BETTY takes the heirloom.

BETTY
Thank you.

The customers bow their heads once more, and leave.

BETTY turns to DOOLY.

BETTY
Does this mean you want me back?

DOOLY
Oh, Betty, of course I want you back!

BETTY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BETTY
Well you can't have me.

DOOLY
WHAT?

BETTY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a hooligan to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

DOOLY
But...

BETTY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Patience.

PATIENCE grins.

DOOLY
But...

PATIENCE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

DOOLY
Betty?

BETTY
I'm sorry Dooly, but I think you should skidaddle.

DOOLY leaves.

PATIENCE turns to BETTY.

PATIENCE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

BETTY
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly PATIENCE stops.

PATIENCE
When I said I ripped the seat of my pants, you know I was just trying to distract the hooligan don't you?

THE END