Big Guy Masked Man

INT. CIA'S PLANE - AFTERNOON

Small guy CIA AGENT BILL WILSON is arguing with handsome mercenary THE MASKETTA MAN. BILL tries to hug MASKETTA but he shakes him off.

BILL
Please Masketta, don't leave me.

MASKETTA
I'm sorry Bill, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

BILL
I am such a person!

MASKETTA frowns.

MASKETTA
I'm sorry, Bill. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MASKETTA leaves.

BILL sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, handsome doctor DOCTOR LEONID PAVEL barges in looking flustered.

BILL
Goodness, Leonid! Is everything okay?

LEONID
I'm afraid not.

BILL
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

LEONID
It's ... a masked man ... I saw an evil masked man break the backs of a bunch of batmen!

BILL
Defenseless batmen?

LEONID
Yes, defenseless batmen!

BILL
Bloomin' heck, Leonid! We've got to do something.

LEONID
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

BILL
You can start by telling me where this happened.

LEONID
I was...

LEONID fans himself and begins to wheeze.

BILL
Focus Leonid, focus! Where did it happen?

LEONID
Gotham City! That's right - Gotham City!

BILL springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

BILL rushes along the street, followed by LEONID. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - SHORTLY AFTER

BANE ? a big guy masked man terrorises two batmen.

BILL, closely followed by LEONID, rushes towards BANE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

LEONID
What is is? What's the matter?

BILL
That's not just any old masked man, that's Bane ?!

LEONID
Who's Bane ??

BILL
Who's Bane ?? Who's Bane ?? Only the most big guy masked man in the universe!

LEONID
Blinkin' knickers, Bill! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most big guy masked man in the universe!

BILL
You can say that again.

LEONID
Blinkin' knickers, Bill! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most big guy masked man in the universe!

BILL
I'm going to need planes, lots of planes.

Bane turns and sees Bill and Leonid. He grins an evil grin.

BANE
Bill Wilson, we meet again.

LEONID
You've met?

BILL
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young BILL is sitting in a park listening to some Hans Zimmer music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees BANE. He takes off his headphones.

BANE
Would you like some planes?

BILL's eyes light up, but then he studies BANE more closely, and looks uneasy.

BILL
I don't know, you look kind of big guy.

BANE
Me? No. I'm not big guy. I'm the least big guy masked man in the world.

BILL
Wait, you're a masked man?

BILL runs away, screaming.

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - PRESENT DAY

BANE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

LEONID
(To BILL) You ran away?

BILL
(To LEONID) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

BILL turns to BANE.

BILL
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

BILL runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

BILL
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with planes.

BANE
I'm not scared of you.

BILL
You should be.

EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

BILL and LEONID walk around searching for something.

BILL
I feel sure I left my planes somewhere around here.

LEONID
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly planes.

BILL
You know nothing Leonid Pavel.

LEONID
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, BANE appears, holding a pair of planes.

BANE
Looking for something?

LEONID
Crikey, Bill, he's got your planes.

BILL
Tell me something I don't already know!

LEONID
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

BILL
I know that already!

LEONID
Dead meme.

BANE
(appalled) Dude!

While BANE is looking at LEONID with disgust, BILL lunges forward and grabs his deadly planes. He wields them, triumphantly.

BILL
Prepare to die, you big guy hothead!

BANE
No please! All I did was break the backs of a bunch of batmen!

MASKETTA enters, unseen by any of the others.

BILL
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those batmen were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Bill Wilson defender of innocent batmen.

BANE
Don't hurt me! Please!

BILL
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these planes on you right away!

BANE
Because Bill, I am your father.

BILL looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

BILL
No you're not!

BANE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

BANE tries to grab the planes but BILL dodges out of the way.

BILL
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, BANE slumps to the ground.

LEONID
Did he just faint?

BILL
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly planes.

BILL crouches over BANE's body.

LEONID
Be careful, Bill. It could be a trick.

BILL
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Bane ? is dead!

BILL
What?

BILL
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

LEONID claps his hands.

LEONID
So your planes did save the day, after all.

MASKETTA steps forward.

MASKETTA
Is it true? Did you kill the big guy masked man?

BILL
Masketta how long have you been...?

MASKETTA puts his arm around BILL.

MASKETTA
Long enough.

BILL
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Bane ?.

MASKETTA
Then the batmen are safe?

BILL
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable batmen enter, looking relived.

MASKETTA
You are their hero.

The batmen bow to BILL.

BILL
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Bane ? will never break the backs of batmen ever again, is enough for me.

MASKETTA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the batmen passes BILL a they just filled with the agency flight plan

MASKETTA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

BILL
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

BILL
Well, if you insist.

BILL takes the flight plan.

BILL
Thank you.

The batmen bow their heads once more, and leave.

BILL turns to MASKETTA.

BILL
Does this mean you want me back?

MASKETTA
Oh, Bill, of course I want you back!

BILL smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BILL
Well you can't have me.

MASKETTA
WHAT?

BILL
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a masked man to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MASKETTA
But...

BILL
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Leonid.

LEONID grins.

MASKETTA
But...

LEONID
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MASKETTA
Bill?

BILL
I'm sorry Masketta, but I think you should skidaddle.

MASKETTA leaves.

LEONID turns to BILL.

LEONID
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

BILL
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly LEONID stops.

LEONID
When I said Dead meme, you know I was just trying to distract the masked man don't you?

THE END