Tight-fisted Sea Monster

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Energetic cleaner MRS MAVIS PARKER is arguing with sweet mechanic DR ROB PARKER. MAVIS tries to hug ROB but he shakes her off.

MAVIS
Please Rob, don't leave me.

ROB
I'm sorry Mavis, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

MAVIS
I am such a person!

ROB frowns.

ROB
I'm sorry, Mavis. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

ROB leaves.

MAVIS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, special computer programmer MASTER JOSH PARKER barges in looking flustered.

MAVIS
Goodness, Josh! Is everything okay?

JOSH
I'm afraid not.

MAVIS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

JOSH
It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster munch a bunch of swimmers!

MAVIS
Defenseless swimmers?

JOSH
Yes, defenseless swimmers!

MAVIS
Bloomin' heck, Josh! We've got to do something.

JOSH
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

MAVIS
You can start by telling me where this happened.

JOSH
I was...

JOSH fans himself and begins to wheeze.

MAVIS
Focus Josh, focus! Where did it happen?

JOSH
Kings Cross Station! That's right - Kings Cross Station!

MAVIS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MAVIS rushes along the street, followed by JOSH. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION - SHORTLY AFTER

CHAD HEMINGWAY a tight-fisted sea monster terrorises two swimmers.

MAVIS, closely followed by JOSH, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

JOSH
What is is? What's the matter?

MAVIS
That's not just any old sea monster, that's Chad Hemingway!

JOSH
Who's Chad Hemingway?

MAVIS
Who's Chad Hemingway? Who's Chad Hemingway? Only the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!

JOSH
Blinkin' knickers, Mavis! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!

MAVIS
You can say that again.

JOSH
Blinkin' knickers, Mavis! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!

MAVIS
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

Chad turns and sees Mavis and Josh. He grins an evil grin.

CHAD
Mavis Parker, we meet again.

JOSH
You've met?

MAVIS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MAVIS is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHAD. She takes off her headphones.

CHAD
Would you like some fruit gums?

MAVIS's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.

MAVIS
I don't know, you look kind of tight-fisted.

CHAD
Me? No. I'm not tight-fisted. I'm the least tight-fisted sea monster in the world.

MAVIS
Wait, you're a sea monster?

MAVIS runs away, screaming.

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION - PRESENT DAY

CHAD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

JOSH
(To MAVIS) You ran away?

MAVIS
(To JOSH) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MAVIS turns to CHAD.

MAVIS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

MAVIS runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

MAVIS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.

CHAD
I'm not scared of you.

MAVIS
You should be.

EXT. A GREASY DINER - LATER THAT DAY

MAVIS and JOSH walk around searching for something.

MAVIS
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.

JOSH
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.

MAVIS
You know nothing Josh Parker.

JOSH
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of guns.

CHAD
Looking for something?

JOSH
Crikey, Mavis, he's got your guns.

MAVIS
Tell me something I don't already know!

JOSH
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MAVIS
I know that already!

JOSH
I still wear nappies.

CHAD
(appalled) Dude!

While CHAD is looking at JOSH with disgust, MAVIS lunges forward and grabs her deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

MAVIS
Prepare to die, you tight-fisted carrot!

CHAD
No please! All I did was munch a bunch of swimmers!

ROB enters, unseen by any of the others.

MAVIS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Mavis Parker defender of innocent swimmers.

CHAD
Don't hurt me! Please!

MAVIS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!

CHAD
Because Mavis, I am your father.

MAVIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

MAVIS
No you're not!

CHAD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHAD tries to grab the guns but MAVIS dodges out of the way.

MAVIS
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.

JOSH
Did he just faint?

MAVIS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

MAVIS crouches over CHAD's body.

JOSH
Be careful, Mavis. It could be a trick.

MAVIS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Hemingway is dead!

MAVIS
What?

MAVIS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

JOSH claps his hands.

JOSH
So your guns did save the day, after all.

ROB steps forward.

ROB
Is it true? Did you kill the tight-fisted sea monster?

MAVIS
Rob how long have you been...?

ROB puts his arm around MAVIS.

ROB
Long enough.

MAVIS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Hemingway.

ROB
Then the swimmers are safe?

MAVIS
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

ROB
You are their hero.

The swimmers bow to MAVIS.

MAVIS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Hemingway will never munch swimmers ever again, is enough for me.

ROB
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the swimmers passes MAVIS a gold pendant

ROB
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MAVIS
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

MAVIS
Well, if you insist.

MAVIS takes the pendant.

MAVIS
Thank you.

The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

MAVIS turns to ROB.

MAVIS
Does this mean you want me back?

ROB
Oh, Mavis, of course I want you back!

MAVIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MAVIS
Well you can't have me.

ROB
WHAT?

MAVIS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

ROB
But...

MAVIS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Josh.

JOSH grins.

ROB
But...

JOSH
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

ROB
Mavis?

MAVIS
I'm sorry Rob, but I think you should skidaddle.

ROB leaves.

JOSH turns to MAVIS.

JOSH
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

MAVIS
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JOSH stops.

JOSH
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?

THE END