Ruthless Sharknado

EXT. FIAH'S BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

Sweet navigator AUYA TUYEKI is arguing with noble painter MAVOTAFIKA POVAW. AUYA tries to hug MAVOTAFIKA but she shakes her off.

AUYA
Please Mavotafika, don't leave me.

MAVOTAFIKA
I'm sorry Auya, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

AUYA
I am such a person!

MAVOTAFIKA frowns.

MAVOTAFIKA
I'm sorry, Auya. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MAVOTAFIKA leaves.

AUYA sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, gentle swordsman ;;;;;;)))))) ROTHFALE EIRIKURSSON barges in looking flustered.

AUYA
Goodness, Rothfale! Is everything okay?

ROTHFALE
I'm afraid not.

AUYA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

ROTHFALE
It's ... a sharknado ... I saw an evil sharknado bite a bunch of ants!

AUYA
Defenseless ants?

ROTHFALE
Yes, defenseless ants!

AUYA
Bloomin' heck, Rothfale! We've got to do something.

ROTHFALE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

AUYA
You can start by telling me where this happened.

ROTHFALE
I was...

ROTHFALE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

AUYA
Focus Rothfale, focus! Where did it happen?

ROTHFALE
Kalassak's Room! That's right - Kalassak's Room!

AUYA springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

AUYA rushes along the street, followed by ROTHFALE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. KALASSAK'S ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

JOHN GIANTBULB a ruthless sharknado terrorises two ants.

AUYA, closely followed by ROTHFALE, rushes towards JOHN, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

ROTHFALE
What is is? What's the matter?

AUYA
That's not just any old sharknado, that's John Giantbulb!

ROTHFALE
Who's John Giantbulb?

AUYA
Who's John Giantbulb? Who's John Giantbulb? Only the most ruthless sharknado in the universe!

ROTHFALE
Blinkin' knickers, Auya! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless sharknado in the universe!

AUYA
You can say that again.

ROTHFALE
Blinkin' knickers, Auya! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless sharknado in the universe!

AUYA
I'm going to need lasers, lots of lasers.

John turns and sees Auya and Rothfale. He grins an evil grin.

JOHN
Auya Tuyeki, we meet again.

ROTHFALE
You've met?

AUYA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young AUYA is sitting in a park listening to some vaporwave music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees JOHN. She takes off her headphones.

JOHN
Would you like some Dove chocolate?

AUYA's eyes light up, but then he studies JOHN more closely, and looks uneasy.

AUYA
I don't know, you look kind of ruthless.

JOHN
Me? No. I'm not ruthless. I'm the least ruthless sharknado in the world.

AUYA
Wait, you're a sharknado?

AUYA runs away, screaming.

INT. KALASSAK'S ROOM - PRESENT DAY

JOHN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

ROTHFALE
(To AUYA) You ran away?

AUYA
(To ROTHFALE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

AUYA turns to JOHN.

AUYA
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

AUYA runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

AUYA
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with lasers.

JOHN
I'm not scared of you.

AUYA
You should be.

EXT. SAELUNAVVK - LATER THAT DAY

AUYA and ROTHFALE walk around searching for something.

AUYA
I feel sure I left my lasers somewhere around here.

ROTHFALE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly lasers.

AUYA
You know nothing Rothfale Eirikursson.

ROTHFALE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, JOHN appears, holding a pair of lasers.

JOHN
Looking for something?

ROTHFALE
Crikey, Auya, he's got your lasers.

AUYA
Tell me something I don't already know!

ROTHFALE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

AUYA
I know that already!

ROTHFALE
I have no motivation whatsoever to do homework!.

JOHN
(appalled) Dude!

While JOHN is looking at ROTHFALE with disgust, AUYA lunges forward and grabs her deadly lasers. He wields them, triumphantly.

AUYA
Prepare to die, you ruthless asparagus!

JOHN
No please! All I did was bite a bunch of ants!

MAVOTAFIKA enters, unseen by any of the others.

AUYA
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those ants were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Auya Tuyeki defender of innocent ants.

JOHN
Don't hurt me! Please!

AUYA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these lasers on you right away!

JOHN
Because Auya, I am your father.

AUYA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

AUYA
No you're not!

JOHN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

JOHN tries to grab the lasers but AUYA dodges out of the way.

AUYA
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, JOHN slumps to the ground.

ROTHFALE
Did he just faint?

AUYA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly lasers.

AUYA crouches over JOHN's body.

ROTHFALE
Be careful, Auya. It could be a trick.

AUYA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... John Giantbulb is dead!

AUYA
What?

AUYA
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

ROTHFALE claps his hands.

ROTHFALE
So your lasers did save the day, after all.

MAVOTAFIKA steps forward.

MAVOTAFIKA
Is it true? Did you kill the ruthless sharknado?

AUYA
Mavotafika how long have you been...?

MAVOTAFIKA puts her arm around AUYA.

MAVOTAFIKA
Long enough.

AUYA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed John Giantbulb.

MAVOTAFIKA
Then the ants are safe?

AUYA
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable ants enter, looking relived.

MAVOTAFIKA
You are their hero.

The ants bow to AUYA.

AUYA
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that John Giantbulb will never bite ants ever again, is enough for me.

MAVOTAFIKA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the ants passes AUYA a magical necklace

MAVOTAFIKA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

AUYA
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

AUYA
Well, if you insist.

AUYA takes the necklace.

AUYA
Thank you.

The ants bow their heads once more, and leave.

AUYA turns to MAVOTAFIKA.

AUYA
Does this mean you want me back?

MAVOTAFIKA
Oh, Auya, of course I want you back!

AUYA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

AUYA
Well you can't have me.

MAVOTAFIKA
WHAT?

AUYA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sharknado to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MAVOTAFIKA
But...

AUYA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Rothfale.

ROTHFALE grins.

MAVOTAFIKA
But...

ROTHFALE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MAVOTAFIKA
Auya?

AUYA
I'm sorry Mavotafika, but I think you should skidaddle.

MAVOTAFIKA leaves.

ROTHFALE turns to AUYA.

ROTHFALE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

AUYA
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ROTHFALE stops.

ROTHFALE
When I said I have no motivation whatsoever to do homework!, you know I was just trying to distract the sharknado don't you?

THE END