Manipulative Muslim

EXT. NEGROTON - AFTERNOON

Noble Minority Hunter STRAIGHT WHITE MALE is arguing with Not as Smart Cocksucker BIG BOOBED BIMBO. WHITE tries to hug BOOBED but she shakes him off.

WHITE
Please Boobed, don't leave me.

BOOBED
I'm sorry White, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

WHITE
I am such a person!

BOOBED frowns.

BOOBED
I'm sorry, White. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

BOOBED leaves.

WHITE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Big Boobed Sandwich Maker STRAIGHT WHITE FEMALE barges in looking flustered.

WHITE
Goodness, White! Is everything okay?

WHITE
I'm afraid not.

WHITE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

WHITE
It's ... a Muslim ... I saw an evil Muslim Rob a bunch of White People!

WHITE
Defenseless White People?

WHITE
Yes, defenseless White People!

WHITE
Bloomin' heck, White! We've got to do something.

WHITE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

WHITE
You can start by telling me where this happened.

WHITE
I was...

WHITE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

WHITE
Focus White, focus! Where did it happen?

WHITE
Muslim Mansion! That's right - Muslim Mansion!

WHITE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

WHITE rushes along the street, followed by WHITE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. MUSLIM MANSION - SHORTLY AFTER

HABIB SHEKELSTEIN a Manipulative Muslim terrorises two White People.

WHITE, closely followed by WHITE, rushes towards HABIB, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

WHITE
What is is? What's the matter?

WHITE
That's not just any old Muslim, that's Habib Shekelstein!

WHITE
Who's Habib Shekelstein?

WHITE
Who's Habib Shekelstein? Who's Habib Shekelstein? Only the most Manipulative Muslim in the universe!

WHITE
Blinkin' knickers, White! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Manipulative Muslim in the universe!

WHITE
You can say that again.

WHITE
Blinkin' knickers, White! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Manipulative Muslim in the universe!

WHITE
I'm going to need Pork, lots of Pork.

Habib turns and sees White and White. He grins an evil grin.

HABIB
White Male, we meet again.

WHITE
You've met?

WHITE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young WHITE is sitting in a park listening to some White power country music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees HABIB. He takes off his headphones.

HABIB
Would you like some BBC?

WHITE's eyes light up, but then he studies HABIB more closely, and looks uneasy.

WHITE
I don't know, you look kind of Manipulative.

HABIB
Me? No. I'm not Manipulative. I'm the least Manipulative Muslim in the world.

WHITE
Wait, you're a Muslim?

WHITE runs away, screaming.

INT. MUSLIM MANSION - PRESENT DAY

HABIB
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

WHITE
(To WHITE) You ran away?

WHITE
(To WHITE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

WHITE turns to HABIB.

WHITE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

WHITE runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

WHITE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Pork.

HABIB
I'm not scared of you.

WHITE
You should be.

EXT. JEWVILLE - LATER THAT DAY

WHITE and WHITE walk around searching for something.

WHITE
I feel sure I left my Pork somewhere around here.

WHITE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Pork.

WHITE
You know nothing White Female.

WHITE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, HABIB appears, holding a pair of Pork.

HABIB
Looking for something?

WHITE
Crikey, White, he's got your Pork.

WHITE
Tell me something I don't already know!

WHITE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

WHITE
I know that already!

WHITE
I love lolis.

HABIB
(appalled) Dude!

While HABIB is looking at WHITE with disgust, WHITE lunges forward and grabs his deadly Pork. He wields them, triumphantly.

WHITE
Prepare to die, you Manipulative Eggplant!

HABIB
No please! All I did was Rob a bunch of White People!

BOOBED enters, unseen by any of the others.

WHITE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those White People were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! White Male defender of innocent White People.

HABIB
Don't hurt me! Please!

WHITE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Pork on you right away!

HABIB
Because White, I am your father.

WHITE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

WHITE
No you're not!

HABIB
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

HABIB tries to grab the Pork but WHITE dodges out of the way.

WHITE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, HABIB slumps to the ground.

WHITE
Did he just faint?

WHITE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Pork.

WHITE crouches over HABIB's body.

WHITE
Be careful, White. It could be a trick.

WHITE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Habib Shekelstein is dead!

WHITE
What?

WHITE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

WHITE claps her hands.

WHITE
So your Pork did save the day, after all.

BOOBED steps forward.

BOOBED
Is it true? Did you kill the Manipulative Muslim?

WHITE
Boobed how long have you been...?

BOOBED puts her arm around WHITE.

BOOBED
Long enough.

WHITE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Habib Shekelstein.

BOOBED
Then the White People are safe?

WHITE
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable White People enter, looking relived.

BOOBED
You are their hero.

The White People bow to WHITE.

WHITE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Habib Shekelstein will never Rob White People ever again, is enough for me.

BOOBED
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the White People passes WHITE an Aryan Hitler's Watch

BOOBED
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

WHITE
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

WHITE
Well, if you insist.

WHITE takes the Hitler's Watch.

WHITE
Thank you.

The White People bow their heads once more, and leave.

WHITE turns to BOOBED.

WHITE
Does this mean you want me back?

BOOBED
Oh, White, of course I want you back!

WHITE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

WHITE
Well you can't have me.

BOOBED
WHAT?

WHITE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Muslim to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

BOOBED
But...

WHITE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, White.

WHITE grins.

BOOBED
But...

WHITE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

BOOBED
White?

WHITE
I'm sorry Boobed, but I think you should skidaddle.

BOOBED leaves.

WHITE turns to WHITE.

WHITE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

WHITE
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly WHITE stops.

WHITE
When I said I love lolis, you know I was just trying to distract the Muslim don't you?

THE END