Stingy Alien

INT. A LIBRARY - AFTERNOON

Intuitive navigator MADAME ALICE BUTTERSCOTCH is arguing with delightful psychiatrist LADY MOLLY RUSSELL. ALICE tries to hug MOLLY but she shakes her off.

ALICE
Please Molly, don't leave me.

MOLLY
I'm sorry Alice, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

ALICE
I am such a person!

MOLLY frowns.

MOLLY
I'm sorry, Alice. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MOLLY leaves.

ALICE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, smart housekeeper MADAME MOLLY COX barges in looking flustered.

ALICE
Goodness, Molly! Is everything okay?

MOLLY
I'm afraid not.

ALICE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

MOLLY
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien attack a bunch of babies!

ALICE
Defenseless babies?

MOLLY
Yes, defenseless babies!

ALICE
Bloomin' heck, Molly! We've got to do something.

MOLLY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ALICE
You can start by telling me where this happened.

MOLLY
I was...

MOLLY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

ALICE
Focus Molly, focus! Where did it happen?

MOLLY
a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

ALICE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ALICE rushes along the street, followed by MOLLY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

ROY SMITH a stingy alien terrorises two babies.

ALICE, closely followed by MOLLY, rushes towards ROY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

MOLLY
What is is? What's the matter?

ALICE
That's not just any old alien, that's Roy Smith!

MOLLY
Who's Roy Smith?

ALICE
Who's Roy Smith? Who's Roy Smith? Only the most stingy alien in the universe!

MOLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy alien in the universe!

ALICE
You can say that again.

MOLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy alien in the universe!

ALICE
I'm going to need nets, lots of nets.

Roy turns and sees Alice and Molly. He grins an evil grin.

ROY
Alice Butterscotch, we meet again.

MOLLY
You've met?

ALICE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ALICE is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees ROY. She takes off her headphones.

ROY
Would you like some white mice?

ALICE's eyes light up, but then he studies ROY more closely, and looks uneasy.

ALICE
I don't know, you look kind of stingy.

ROY
Me? No. I'm not stingy. I'm the least stingy alien in the world.

ALICE
Wait, you're a alien?

ALICE runs away, screaming.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

ROY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

MOLLY
(To ALICE) You ran away?

ALICE
(To MOLLY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ALICE turns to ROY.

ALICE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ALICE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

ALICE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with nets.

ROY
I'm not scared of you.

ALICE
You should be.

INT. QUALITY CAFE - LATER THAT DAY

ALICE and MOLLY walk around searching for something.

ALICE
I feel sure I left my nets somewhere around here.

MOLLY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly nets.

ALICE
You know nothing Molly Cox.

MOLLY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ROY appears, holding a pair of nets.

ROY
Looking for something?

MOLLY
Crikey, Alice, he's got your nets.

ALICE
Tell me something I don't already know!

MOLLY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ALICE
I know that already!

MOLLY
I'm afraid of sausages.

ROY
(appalled) Dude!

While ROY is looking at MOLLY with disgust, ALICE lunges forward and grabs her deadly nets. He wields them, triumphantly.

ALICE
Prepare to die, you stingy sprout!

ROY
No please! All I did was attack a bunch of babies!

MOLLY enters, unseen by any of the others.

ALICE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Alice Butterscotch defender of innocent babies.

ROY
Don't hurt me! Please!

ALICE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these nets on you right away!

ROY
Because Alice, I am your father.

ALICE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ALICE
No you're not!

ROY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ROY tries to grab the nets but ALICE dodges out of the way.

ALICE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ROY slumps to the ground.

MOLLY
Did he just faint?

ALICE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly nets.

ALICE crouches over ROY's body.

MOLLY
Be careful, Alice. It could be a trick.

ALICE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Roy Smith is dead!

ALICE
What?

ALICE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

MOLLY claps her hands.

MOLLY
So your nets did save the day, after all.

MOLLY steps forward.

MOLLY
Is it true? Did you kill the stingy alien?

ALICE
Molly how long have you been...?

MOLLY puts her arm around ALICE.

MOLLY
Long enough.

ALICE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Roy Smith.

MOLLY
Then the babies are safe?

ALICE
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

MOLLY
You are their hero.

The babies bow to ALICE.

ALICE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Roy Smith will never attack babies ever again, is enough for me.

MOLLY
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the babies passes ALICE a tinkling bell

MOLLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ALICE
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ALICE
Well, if you insist.

ALICE takes the bell.

ALICE
Thank you.

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

ALICE turns to MOLLY.

ALICE
Does this mean you want me back?

MOLLY
Oh, Alice, of course I want you back!

ALICE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ALICE
Well you can't have me.

MOLLY
WHAT?

ALICE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MOLLY
But...

ALICE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Molly.

MOLLY grins.

MOLLY
But...

MOLLY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MOLLY
Alice?

ALICE
I'm sorry Molly, but I think you should skidaddle.

MOLLY leaves.

MOLLY turns to ALICE.

MOLLY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ALICE
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly MOLLY stops.

MOLLY
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?

THE END