Vile Ghost

INT. QUALITY CAFE - AFTERNOON

Helpful psychiatrist LADY DORIS MACDONALD is arguing with cute gardener DCI MAVIS BALL. DORIS tries to hug MAVIS but she shakes her off.

DORIS
Please Mavis, don't leave me.

MAVIS
I'm sorry Doris, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

DORIS
I am such a person!

MAVIS frowns.

MAVIS
I'm sorry, Doris. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MAVIS leaves.

DORIS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, articulate shopkeeper LORD SANDIE NOLAN barges in looking flustered.

DORIS
Goodness, Sandie! Is everything okay?

SANDIE
I'm afraid not.

DORIS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SANDIE
It's ... a ghost ... I saw an evil ghost vandalise a bunch of elderly ladies!

DORIS
Defenseless elderly ladies?

SANDIE
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!

DORIS
Bloomin' heck, Sandie! We've got to do something.

SANDIE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

DORIS
You can start by telling me where this happened.

SANDIE
I was...

SANDIE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

DORIS
Focus Sandie, focus! Where did it happen?

SANDIE
National History Museum! That's right - National History Museum!

DORIS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

DORIS rushes along the street, followed by SANDIE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - SHORTLY AFTER

GEORGINA TORRANCE a vile ghost terrorises two elderly ladies.

DORIS, closely followed by SANDIE, rushes towards GEORGINA, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

SANDIE
What is is? What's the matter?

DORIS
That's not just any old ghost, that's Georgina Torrance!

SANDIE
Who's Georgina Torrance?

DORIS
Who's Georgina Torrance? Who's Georgina Torrance? Only the most vile ghost in the universe!

SANDIE
Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile ghost in the universe!

DORIS
You can say that again.

SANDIE
Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile ghost in the universe!

DORIS
I'm going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.

Georgina turns and sees Doris and Sandie. She grins an evil grin.

GEORGINA
Doris MacDonald, we meet again.

SANDIE
You've met?

DORIS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young DORIS is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees GEORGINA. She takes off her headphones.

GEORGINA
Would you like some chocolate?

DORIS's eyes light up, but then he studies GEORGINA more closely, and looks uneasy.

DORIS
I don't know, you look kind of vile.

GEORGINA
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile ghost in the world.

DORIS
Wait, you're a ghost?

DORIS runs away, screaming.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - PRESENT DAY

GEORGINA
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SANDIE
(To DORIS) You ran away?

DORIS
(To SANDIE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

DORIS turns to GEORGINA.

DORIS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

DORIS runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

DORIS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with candlesticks.

GEORGINA
I'm not scared of you.

DORIS
You should be.

INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY

DORIS and SANDIE walk around searching for something.

DORIS
I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.

SANDIE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.

DORIS
You know nothing Sandie Nolan.

SANDIE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, GEORGINA appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.

GEORGINA
Looking for something?

SANDIE
Crikey, Doris, she's got your candlesticks.

DORIS
Tell me something I don't already know!

SANDIE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

DORIS
I know that already!

SANDIE
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

GEORGINA
(appalled) Dude!

While GEORGINA is looking at SANDIE with disgust, DORIS lunges forward and grabs her deadly candlesticks. He wields them, triumphantly.

DORIS
Prepare to die, you vile courgette!

GEORGINA
No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of elderly ladies!

MAVIS enters, unseen by any of the others.

DORIS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Doris MacDonald defender of innocent elderly ladies.

GEORGINA
Don't hurt me! Please!

DORIS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these candlesticks on you right away!

GEORGINA
Because Doris, I am your mother.

DORIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

DORIS
No you're not!

GEORGINA
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

GEORGINA tries to grab the candlesticks but DORIS dodges out of the way.

DORIS
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, GEORGINA slumps to the ground.

SANDIE
Did she just faint?

DORIS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.

DORIS crouches over GEORGINA's body.

SANDIE
Be careful, Doris. It could be a trick.

DORIS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Georgina Torrance is dead!

DORIS
What?

DORIS
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

SANDIE claps his hands.

SANDIE
So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.

MAVIS steps forward.

MAVIS
Is it true? Did you kill the vile ghost?

DORIS
Mavis how long have you been...?

MAVIS puts her arm around DORIS.

MAVIS
Long enough.

DORIS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Georgina Torrance.

MAVIS
Then the elderly ladies are safe?

DORIS
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.

MAVIS
You are their hero.

The elderly ladies bow to DORIS.

DORIS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Georgina Torrance will never vandalise elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.

MAVIS
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly ladies passes DORIS a tinkling pendant

MAVIS
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

DORIS
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

DORIS
Well, if you insist.

DORIS takes the pendant.

DORIS
Thank you.

The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.

DORIS turns to MAVIS.

DORIS
Does this mean you want me back?

MAVIS
Oh, Doris, of course I want you back!

DORIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

DORIS
Well you can't have me.

MAVIS
WHAT?

DORIS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a ghost to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MAVIS
But...

DORIS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Sandie.

SANDIE grins.

MAVIS
But...

SANDIE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MAVIS
Doris?

DORIS
I'm sorry Mavis, but I think you should skidaddle.

MAVIS leaves.

SANDIE turns to DORIS.

SANDIE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

DORIS
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SANDIE stops.

SANDIE
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the ghost don't you?

THE END