Noob and the Four Hateful Eggs

Once upon a time there was a nervous boy called Noob . He was on the way to see his friend Sixer , when he decided to take a short cut through the pizza place Elliot works at.

It wasn't long before Noob got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, noob jr, but noob jr was nowhere to be found! Noob began to panic. He felt sure he had packed noob jr. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a hateful egg dressed in a green jacket disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Noob.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed egg. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Noob reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from onions, a house made from fruit gums, a house made from sweets, a house made from chips and a house made from chocolates.

Noob could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Noob looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Noob a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was noob jr!

"noob jr!" shouted Noob. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give noob jr back!" cried Noob.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let noob jr out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, four hateful eggs rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Noob recognised the one in the green jacket that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Egg," said the witch.

"Good morning." The egg noticed noob jr. "Who is this?"

"That's noob jr," explained the witch.

"Ooh! noob jr would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the egg.

The witch shook her head. "noob jr is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Noob interrupted. "noob jr lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Egg ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Egg looked at the house made from chocolates and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from chocolates if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next egg. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have noob jr."

Noob watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give noob jr to Big Egg. He didn't think noob jr would like living with a hateful egg, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other three eggs watched while Big Egg put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Egg. "Just you watch!"

Big Egg pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from fruit gums. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Egg started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of fruit gums, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Egg.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Egg never finished eating the front door made from fruit gums and noob jr remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Egg stepped up, and approached the house made from sweets.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Egg. "Just you watch!"

Average Egg pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from sweets. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After a while, Average Egg started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

   ...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm an egg!" said Average Egg.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Egg, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the egg away under his arm.

Average Egg never finished eating the front door made from sweets and noob jr remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Egg stepped up, and approached the house made from chips.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Egg. "Just you watch!"

Little Egg pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from chips. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Egg started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating chips for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Egg into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Egg. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Egg was never seen again.

Little Egg never finished eating the front door made from chips and noob jr remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Egg stepped up, and approached the house made from chocolates.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Egg. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Egg pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from chocolates. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Egg's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of chocolates, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Egg, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Egg never finished eating the front door made from chocolates and noob jr remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep noob jr."

"Not so fast," said Noob. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from onions. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the eggs. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Noob.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted noob jr back."

Noob ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from onions and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Noob sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Noob. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Noob's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from onions. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Noob was down to the final piece of the door made from onions. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Noob had eaten the entire front door of the house made from onions.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over noob jr or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Noob hurried over and grabbed noob jr, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, noob jr was unharmed.

Noob thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Sixer. It was starting to get dark.

When Noob got to Sixer's house, his friend threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Sixer. "You are very late."

As Noob described his day, he could tell that Sixer didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Sixer.

Noob unwrapped a doorknob made from fruit gums. "Pudding!" he said.

Sixer almost fell off his chair.

The End