Peace Duke and the Four Wild Sobaks

Once upon a time there was a gorbous boy called Peace Duke. He was on the way to see his lover Kalozhor Minetness, when he decided to take a short cut through Dickwood Forest.

It wasn't long before Peace got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Young Pissya, but Young Pissya was nowhere to be found! Peace began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Young Pissya. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a wild sobak dressed in a blue skirt disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Peace.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed sobak. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Peace reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from bananas, a house made from eggs, a house made from sausages, a house made from carrots and a house made from lollypops.

Peace could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Peace looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Peace a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Young Pissya!

"Young Pissya!" shouted Peace. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Young Pissya back!" cried Peace.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Young Pissya out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, four wild sobaks rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Peace recognised the one in the blue skirt that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Sobak," said the witch.

"Good morning." The sobak noticed Young Pissya. "Who is this?"

"That's Young Pissya," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Young Pissya would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the sobak.

The witch shook her head. "Young Pissya is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Peace interrupted. "Young Pissya lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Sobak ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Sobak looked at the house made from lollypops and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from lollypops if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next sobak. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Young Pissya."

Peace watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Young Pissya to Big Sobak. He didn't think Young Pissya would like living with a wild sobak, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other three sobaks watched while Big Sobak put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Sobak. "Just you watch!"

Big Sobak pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from eggs. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Sobak started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of eggs, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Sobak.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Sobak never finished eating the front door made from eggs and Young Pissya remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Sobak stepped up, and approached the house made from sausages.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Sobak. "Just you watch!"

Average Sobak pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from sausages. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After a while, Average Sobak started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

   ...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a sobak!" said Average Sobak.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Sobak, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the sobak away under his arm.

Average Sobak never finished eating the front door made from sausages and Young Pissya remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Sobak stepped up, and approached the house made from carrots.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Sobak. "Just you watch!"

Little Sobak pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from carrots. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Sobak started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating carrots for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Sobak into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Sobak. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Sobak was never seen again.

Little Sobak never finished eating the front door made from carrots and Young Pissya remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Sobak stepped up, and approached the house made from lollypops.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Sobak. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Sobak pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from lollypops. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Sobak's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of lollypops, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Sobak, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Sobak never finished eating the front door made from lollypops and Young Pissya remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Young Pissya."

"Not so fast," said Peace. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from bananas. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the sobaks. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Peace.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Young Pissya back."

Peace ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from bananas and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Peace sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Peace. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Peace's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from bananas. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Peace was down to the final piece of the door made from bananas. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Peace had eaten the entire front door of the house made from bananas.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Young Pissya or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Peace hurried over and grabbed Young Pissya, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Young Pissya was unharmed.

Peace thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Kalozhor. It was starting to get dark.

When Peace got to Kalozhor's house, his lover threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Kalozhor. "You are very late."

As Peace described his day, he could tell that Kalozhor didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Kalozhor.

Peace unwrapped a doorknob made from eggs. "Pudding!" he said.

Kalozhor almost fell off his chair.

The End