Brutal Tiger

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Courageous gardener MS CHLOE BUTTERSCOTCH is arguing with energetic shopkeeper PROF HAROLD BALL. CHLOE tries to hug HAROLD but he shakes her off.

CHLOE
Please Harold, don't leave me.

HAROLD
I'm sorry Chloe, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

CHLOE
I am such a person!

HAROLD frowns.

HAROLD
I'm sorry, Chloe. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

HAROLD leaves.

CHLOE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, splendid housekeeper DCI GEMMA BLAST barges in looking flustered.

CHLOE
Goodness, Gemma! Is everything okay?

GEMMA
I'm afraid not.

CHLOE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

GEMMA
It's ... a tiger ... I saw an evil tiger mug a bunch of baby birds!

CHLOE
Defenseless baby birds?

GEMMA
Yes, defenseless baby birds!

CHLOE
Bloomin' heck, Gemma! We've got to do something.

GEMMA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHLOE
You can start by telling me where this happened.

GEMMA
I was...

GEMMA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

CHLOE
Focus Gemma, focus! Where did it happen?

GEMMA
A Library! That's right - A Library!

CHLOE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHLOE rushes along the street, followed by GEMMA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER

CHAD ROCKATANSKY a brutal tiger terrorises two baby birds.

CHLOE, closely followed by GEMMA, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

GEMMA
What is is? What's the matter?

CHLOE
That's not just any old tiger, that's Chad Rockatansky!

GEMMA
Who's Chad Rockatansky?

CHLOE
Who's Chad Rockatansky? Who's Chad Rockatansky? Only the most brutal tiger in the universe!

GEMMA
Blinkin' knickers, Chloe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal tiger in the universe!

CHLOE
You can say that again.

GEMMA
Blinkin' knickers, Chloe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal tiger in the universe!

CHLOE
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.

Chad turns and sees Chloe and Gemma. He grins an evil grin.

CHAD
Chloe Butterscotch, we meet again.

GEMMA
You've met?

CHLOE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHLOE is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHAD. She takes off her headphones.

CHAD
Would you like some toffees?

CHLOE's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHLOE
I don't know, you look kind of brutal.

CHAD
Me? No. I'm not brutal. I'm the least brutal tiger in the world.

CHLOE
Wait, you're a tiger?

CHLOE runs away, screaming.

INT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY

CHAD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

GEMMA
(To CHLOE) You ran away?

CHLOE
(To GEMMA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHLOE turns to CHAD.

CHLOE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHLOE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CHLOE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.

CHAD
I'm not scared of you.

CHLOE
You should be.

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

CHLOE and GEMMA walk around searching for something.

CHLOE
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.

GEMMA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly blades.

CHLOE
You know nothing Gemma Blast.

GEMMA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of blades.

CHAD
Looking for something?

GEMMA
Crikey, Chloe, he's got your blades.

CHLOE
Tell me something I don't already know!

GEMMA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHLOE
I know that already!

GEMMA
I'm afraid of dust.

CHAD
(appalled) Dude!

While CHAD is looking at GEMMA with disgust, CHLOE lunges forward and grabs her deadly blades. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHLOE
Prepare to die, you brutal courgette!

CHAD
No please! All I did was mug a bunch of baby birds!

HAROLD enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHLOE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chloe Butterscotch defender of innocent baby birds.

CHAD
Don't hurt me! Please!

CHLOE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on you right away!

CHAD
Because Chloe, I am your father.

CHLOE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CHLOE
No you're not!

CHAD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHAD tries to grab the blades but CHLOE dodges out of the way.

CHLOE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.

GEMMA
Did he just faint?

CHLOE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly blades.

CHLOE crouches over CHAD's body.

GEMMA
Be careful, Chloe. It could be a trick.

CHLOE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Rockatansky is dead!

CHLOE
What?

CHLOE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

GEMMA claps her hands.

GEMMA
So your blades did save the day, after all.

HAROLD steps forward.

HAROLD
Is it true? Did you kill the brutal tiger?

CHLOE
Harold how long have you been...?

HAROLD puts his arm around CHLOE.

HAROLD
Long enough.

CHLOE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Rockatansky.

HAROLD
Then the baby birds are safe?

CHLOE
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

HAROLD
You are their hero.

The baby birds bow to CHLOE.

CHLOE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Rockatansky will never mug baby birds ever again, is enough for me.

HAROLD
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the baby birds passes CHLOE a mystical bell

HAROLD
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHLOE
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHLOE
Well, if you insist.

CHLOE takes the bell.

CHLOE
Thank you.

The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHLOE turns to HAROLD.

CHLOE
Does this mean you want me back?

HAROLD
Oh, Chloe, of course I want you back!

CHLOE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHLOE
Well you can't have me.

HAROLD
WHAT?

CHLOE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a tiger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

HAROLD
But...

CHLOE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Gemma.

GEMMA grins.

HAROLD
But...

GEMMA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

HAROLD
Chloe?

CHLOE
I'm sorry Harold, but I think you should skidaddle.

HAROLD leaves.

GEMMA turns to CHLOE.

GEMMA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHLOE
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly GEMMA stops.

GEMMA
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the tiger don't you?

THE END