Cold-blooded Hooligan

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - AFTERNOON

Naked shitposter GODDARD is arguing with delightful scout MRS FLORA PLATT. GODDARD tries to hug FLORA but she shakes him off.

GODDARD
Please Flora, don't leave me.

FLORA
I'm sorry Goddard, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

GODDARD
I am such a person!

FLORA frowns.

FLORA
I'm sorry, Goddard. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

FLORA leaves.

GODDARD sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, admirable mechanic MRS HEATHER GREENWAY barges in looking flustered.

GODDARD
Goodness, Heather! Is everything okay?

HEATHER
I'm afraid not.

GODDARD
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

HEATHER
It's ... a hooligan ... I saw an evil hooligan destroy a bunch of swimmers!

GODDARD
Defenseless swimmers?

HEATHER
Yes, defenseless swimmers!

GODDARD
Bloomin' heck, Heather! We've got to do something.

HEATHER
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

GODDARD
You can start by telling me where this happened.

HEATHER
I was...

HEATHER fans herself and begins to wheeze.

GODDARD
Focus Heather, focus! Where did it happen?

HEATHER
a supermarket! That's right - a supermarket!

GODDARD springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

GODDARD rushes along the street, followed by HEATHER. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - SHORTLY AFTER

MAVIS BARKER a cold-blooded hooligan terrorises two swimmers.

GODDARD, closely followed by HEATHER, rushes towards MAVIS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

HEATHER
What is is? What's the matter?

GODDARD
That's not just any old hooligan, that's Mavis Barker!

HEATHER
Who's Mavis Barker?

GODDARD
Who's Mavis Barker? Who's Mavis Barker? Only the most cold-blooded hooligan in the universe!

HEATHER
Blinkin' knickers, Goddard! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded hooligan in the universe!

GODDARD
You can say that again.

HEATHER
Blinkin' knickers, Goddard! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded hooligan in the universe!

GODDARD
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.

Mavis turns and sees Goddard and Heather. She grins an evil grin.

MAVIS
Goddard , we meet again.

HEATHER
You've met?

GODDARD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young GODDARD is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees MAVIS. He takes off his headphones.

MAVIS
Would you like some fruit gums?

GODDARD's eyes light up, but then he studies MAVIS more closely, and looks uneasy.

GODDARD
I don't know, you look kind of cold-blooded.

MAVIS
Me? No. I'm not cold-blooded. I'm the least cold-blooded hooligan in the world.

GODDARD
Wait, you're a hooligan?

GODDARD runs away, screaming.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - PRESENT DAY

MAVIS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

HEATHER
(To GODDARD) You ran away?

GODDARD
(To HEATHER) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

GODDARD turns to MAVIS.

GODDARD
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

GODDARD runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

GODDARD
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.

MAVIS
I'm not scared of you.

GODDARD
You should be.

EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

GODDARD and HEATHER walk around searching for something.

GODDARD
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.

HEATHER
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly blades.

GODDARD
You know nothing Heather Greenway.

HEATHER
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MAVIS appears, holding a pair of blades.

MAVIS
Looking for something?

HEATHER
Crikey, Goddard, she's got your blades.

GODDARD
Tell me something I don't already know!

HEATHER
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

GODDARD
I know that already!

HEATHER
I bite my toenails.

MAVIS
(appalled) Dude!

While MAVIS is looking at HEATHER with disgust, GODDARD lunges forward and grabs his deadly blades. He wields them, triumphantly.

GODDARD
Prepare to die, you cold-blooded carrot!

MAVIS
No please! All I did was destroy a bunch of swimmers!

FLORA enters, unseen by any of the others.

GODDARD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Goddard defender of innocent swimmers.

MAVIS
Don't hurt me! Please!

GODDARD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on you right away!

MAVIS
Because Goddard, I am your mother.

GODDARD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

GODDARD
No you're not!

MAVIS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MAVIS tries to grab the blades but GODDARD dodges out of the way.

GODDARD
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MAVIS slumps to the ground.

HEATHER
Did she just faint?

GODDARD
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly blades.

GODDARD crouches over MAVIS's body.

HEATHER
Be careful, Goddard. It could be a trick.

GODDARD
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mavis Barker is dead!

GODDARD
What?

GODDARD
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

HEATHER claps her hands.

HEATHER
So your blades did save the day, after all.

FLORA steps forward.

FLORA
Is it true? Did you kill the cold-blooded hooligan?

GODDARD
Flora how long have you been...?

FLORA puts her arm around GODDARD.

FLORA
Long enough.

GODDARD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mavis Barker.

FLORA
Then the swimmers are safe?

GODDARD
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

FLORA
You are their hero.

The swimmers bow to GODDARD.

GODDARD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mavis Barker will never destroy swimmers ever again, is enough for me.

FLORA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the swimmers passes GODDARD a mystical bell

FLORA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

GODDARD
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

GODDARD
Well, if you insist.

GODDARD takes the bell.

GODDARD
Thank you.

The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

GODDARD turns to FLORA.

GODDARD
Does this mean you want me back?

FLORA
Oh, Goddard, of course I want you back!

GODDARD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

GODDARD
Well you can't have me.

FLORA
WHAT?

GODDARD
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a hooligan to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

FLORA
But...

GODDARD
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Heather.

HEATHER grins.

FLORA
But...

HEATHER
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

FLORA
Goddard?

GODDARD
I'm sorry Flora, but I think you should skidaddle.

FLORA leaves.

HEATHER turns to GODDARD.

HEATHER
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

GODDARD
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly HEATHER stops.

HEATHER
When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the hooligan don't you?

THE END