Black White Man

INT. YO MAMA - AFTERNOON

Intellectually-challenged Redditor WILLY DICK DICKSON is arguing with likes penus Influencer JAKE PAUL. DICK tries to hug PAUL but he shakes him off.

DICK
Please , don't leave me.

PAUL
I'm sorry Dick, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

DICK
I am such a person!

PAUL frowns.

PAUL
I'm sorry, Dick. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

PAUL leaves.

DICK sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, necrophilia homeless JAMES THICC CHARLES barges in looking flustered.

DICK
Goodness, Thicc! Is everything okay?

THICC
I'm afraid not.

DICK
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

THICC
It's ... a White man ... I saw an evil White man Make them turn white a bunch of Black, Jewish people!

DICK
Defenseless Black, Jewish people?

THICC
Yes, defenseless Black, Jewish people!

DICK
Bloomin' heck, Thicc! We've got to do something.

THICC
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

DICK
You can start by telling me where this happened.

THICC
I was...

THICC fans herself and begins to wheeze.

DICK
Focus Thicc, focus! Where did it happen?

THICC
Retardville! That's right - Retardville!

DICK springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

DICK rushes along the street, followed by THICC. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. RETARDVILLE - SHORTLY AFTER

DEJI a Black White man terrorises two Black, Jewish people.

DICK, closely followed by THICC, rushes towards DEJI, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

THICC
What is is? What's the matter?

DICK
That's not just any old White man, that's Deji!

THICC
Who's Deji?

DICK
Who's Deji? Who's Deji? Only the most Black White man in the universe!

THICC
Blinkin' knickers, Dick! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Black White man in the universe!

DICK
You can say that again.

THICC
Blinkin' knickers, Dick! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Black White man in the universe!

DICK
I'm going to need White guilt, lots of White guilt.

turns and sees Dick and Thicc. He grins an evil grin.

DEJI
Dick Dickson, we meet again.

THICC
You've met?

DICK
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young DICK is sitting in a park listening to some Racist music music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DEJI. He takes off his headphones.

DEJI
Would you like some Cola bottles?

DICK's eyes light up, but then he studies DEJI more closely, and looks uneasy.

DICK
I don't know, you look kind of Black.

DEJI
Me? No. I'm not Black. I'm the least Black White man in the world.

DICK
Wait, you're a White man?

DICK runs away, screaming.

EXT. RETARDVILLE - PRESENT DAY

DEJI
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

THICC
(To DICK) You ran away?

DICK
(To THICC) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

DICK turns to DEJI.

DICK
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

DICK runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

DICK
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with White guilt.

DEJI
I'm not scared of you.

DICK
You should be.

INT. HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY

DICK and THICC walk around searching for something.

DICK
I feel sure I left my White guilt somewhere around here.

THICC
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly White guilt.

DICK
You know nothing Thicc Charles.

THICC
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DEJI appears, holding a pair of White guilt.

DEJI
Looking for something?

THICC
Crikey, Dick, he's got your White guilt.

DICK
Tell me something I don't already know!

THICC
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

DICK
I know that already!

THICC
I like fortnite.

DEJI
(appalled) Dude!

While DEJI is looking at THICC with disgust, DICK lunges forward and grabs his deadly White guilt. He wields them, triumphantly.

DICK
Prepare to die, you Black Your mum!

DEJI
No please! All I did was Make them turn white a bunch of Black, Jewish people!

PAUL enters, unseen by any of the others.

DICK
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Black, Jewish people were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Dick Dickson defender of innocent Black, Jewish people.

DEJI
Don't hurt me! Please!

DICK
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these White guilt on you right away!

DEJI
Because Dick, I am your father.

DICK looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

DICK
No you're not!

DEJI
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

DEJI tries to grab the White guilt but DICK dodges out of the way.

DICK
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DEJI slumps to the ground.

THICC
Did he just faint?

DICK
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly White guilt.

DICK crouches over DEJI's body.

THICC
Be careful, Dick. It could be a trick.

DICK
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Deji is dead!

DICK
What?

DICK
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

THICC claps her hands.

THICC
So your White guilt did save the day, after all.

PAUL steps forward.

PAUL
Is it true? Did you kill the Black White man?

DICK
how long have you been...?

PAUL puts his arm around DICK.

PAUL
Long enough.

DICK
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Deji.

PAUL
Then the Black, Jewish people are safe?

DICK
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Black, Jewish people enter, looking relived.

PAUL
You are their hero.

The Black, Jewish people bow to DICK.

DICK
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Deji will never Make them turn white Black, Jewish people ever again, is enough for me.

PAUL
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Black, Jewish people passes DICK a Shiny White suspicious goo

PAUL
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

DICK
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

DICK
Well, if you insist.

DICK takes the White suspicious goo.

DICK
Thank you.

The Black, Jewish people bow their heads once more, and leave.

DICK turns to PAUL.

DICK
Does this mean you want me back?

PAUL
Oh, Dick, of course I want you back!

DICK smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

DICK
Well you can't have me.

PAUL
WHAT?

DICK
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a White man to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

PAUL
But...

DICK
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Thicc.

THICC grins.

PAUL
But...

THICC
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

PAUL
Dick?

DICK
I'm sorry , but I think you should skidaddle.

PAUL leaves.

THICC turns to DICK.

THICC
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

DICK
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly THICC stops.

THICC
When I said I like fortnite, you know I was just trying to distract the White man don't you?

THE END