Boris Randall and the Five Cruel Tortoises

Once upon a time there was a ruthless boy called Boris Randall. He was on the way to see his Maureen Bogtrotter, when he decided to take a short cut through Central Park.

It wasn't long before Boris got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Mr Teddy, but Mr Teddy was nowhere to be found! Boris began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Mr Teddy. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a cruel tortoise dressed in a pink pinafore disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Boris.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed tortoise. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Boris reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from turnips, a house made from humbugs, a house made from macarons, a house made from crisps, a house made from muffins and a house made from biscuits.

Boris could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Boris looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Boris a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Mr Teddy!

"Mr Teddy!" shouted Boris. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Mr Teddy back!" cried Boris.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Mr Teddy out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, five cruel tortoises rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Boris recognised the one in the pink pinafore that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Tortoise," said the witch.

"Good morning." The tortoise noticed Mr Teddy. "Who is this?"

"That's Mr Teddy," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Mr Teddy would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the tortoise.

The witch shook her head. "Mr Teddy is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Boris interrupted. "Mr Teddy lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Tortoise ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Tortoise looked at the house made from biscuits and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from biscuits if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next tortoise. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Mr Teddy."

Boris watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Mr Teddy to Big Tortoise. He didn't think Mr Teddy would like living with a cruel tortoise, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other four tortoises watched while Big Tortoise put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Tortoise. "Just you watch!"

Big Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from humbugs. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Tortoise started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of humbugs, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Tortoise.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from humbugs and Mr Teddy remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from macarons.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Tortoise. "Just you watch!"

Average Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from macarons. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After a while, Average Tortoise started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

   ...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a tortoise!" said Average Tortoise.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Tortoise, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the tortoise away under his arm.

Average Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from macarons and Mr Teddy remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from crisps.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Tortoise. "Just you watch!"

Little Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from crisps. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Tortoise started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating crisps for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Tortoise into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Tortoise. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Tortoise was never seen again.

Little Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from crisps and Mr Teddy remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from muffins.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Tortoise. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from muffins. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Tortoise's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of muffins, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Tortoise, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from muffins and Mr Teddy remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Even-Tinier Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from biscuits.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Even-Tinier Tortoise. "Just you watch!"

Even-Tinier Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from biscuits. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Suddenly, Even-Tinier Tortoise stopped eating and started dancing. While he danced, he sang at the top of his lungs, "Biscuits! Watch me eat all the biscuits!"

"It looks as though the biscuits are making you hyperactive," laughed the witch.

"Oh no they're not!" cried Even-Tinier Tortoise. "I'm always this excited." With that, he walked into a tree.

Bong!

Even-Tinier Tortoise banged his head and fell backwards onto his bottom. He passed out, exhausted.

Even-Tinier Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from biscuits and Mr Teddy remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Mr Teddy."

"Not so fast," said Boris. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from turnips. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the tortoises. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Boris.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Mr Teddy back."

Boris ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from turnips and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Boris sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Boris. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Boris's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from turnips. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Boris was down to the final piece of the door made from turnips. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Boris had eaten the entire front door of the house made from turnips.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Mr Teddy or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Boris hurried over and grabbed Mr Teddy, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Mr Teddy was unharmed.

Boris thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Maureen. It was starting to get dark.

When Boris got to Maureen's house, his threw her arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Maureen. "You are very late."

As Boris described his day, he could tell that Maureen didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Maureen.

Boris unwrapped a doorknob made from humbugs. "Pudding!" he said.

Maureen almost fell off her chair.

The End