Robert Smith and the Hairy Aardvark

Once upon a time there was a cold-blooded boy called Robert Smith. He was on the way to see his Ocean DeVito, when he decided to take a short cut through Slipperyham Park.

It wasn't long before Robert got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Terrance the Moose, but Terrance the Moose was nowhere to be found! Robert began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Terrance the Moose. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a hairy aardvark dressed in a yellow coat disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Robert.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed aardvark. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Robert reached a clearing. In the clearing were two houses, one made from cauliflowers and one made from toffees.

Robert could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Robert looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Robert a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Terrance the Moose!

"Terrance the Moose!" shouted Robert. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Terrance the Moose back!" cried Robert.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Terrance the Moose out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, the hairy aardvark in the yellow coat rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the cleaning.

"Hello Big Aardvark," said the witch.

"Good morning." The aardvark noticed Terrance the Moose. "Who is this?"

"That's Terrance the Moose," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Terrance the Moose would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the aardvark.

The witch shook her head. "Terrance the Moose is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Robert interrupted. "Terrance the Moose lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Aardvark ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Aardvark looked at the house made from toffees and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from toffees if I wanted to."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Terrance the Moose."

Robert watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Terrance the Moose to Big Aardvark. He didn't think Terrance the Moose would like living with a hairy aardvark, away from his house and all his other toys.

Big Aardvark put on his bib and withdraw a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Aardvark. "Just you watch!"

Big Aardvark pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from toffees. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Aardvark started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of toffees, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Aardvark.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Aardvark never finished eating the front door made from toffees and Terrance the Moose remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Terrance the Moose."

"Not so fast," said Robert. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from cauliflowers. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the aardvark. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Robert.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Terrance the Moose back."

Robert ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from cauliflowers and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Robert sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Robert. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Robert's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from cauliflowers. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Robert was down to the final piece of the door made from cauliflowers. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Robert had eaten the entire front door of the house made from cauliflowers.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Terrance the Moose or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Robert hurried over and grabbed Terrance the Moose, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Terrance the Moose was unharmed.

Robert thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Ocean. It was starting to get dark.

When Robert got to Ocean's house, his threw her arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Ocean. "You are very late."

As Robert described his day, he could tell that Ocean didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Ocean.

Robert unwrapped a doorknob made from toffees. "Pudding!" he said.

Ocean almost fell off her chair.

The End