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Vile Lion

A Screenplay by John Doe

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - AFTERNOON

Kind doctor LORD ROBERT THORNHILL is arguing with friendly private detective DCI ELIZABETH SMART. ROBERT tries to hug ELIZABETH but she shakes him off.

ROBERT
Please Elizabeth, don't leave me.

ELIZABETH
I'm sorry Robert, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

ROBERT
I am such a person!

ELIZABETH frowns.

ELIZABETH
I'm sorry, Robert. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

ELIZABETH leaves.

ROBERT sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, funny gardener PROF JOSH OLSSON barges in looking flustered.

ROBERT
Goodness, Josh! Is everything okay?

JOSH
I'm afraid not.

ROBERT
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

JOSH
It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion burgle a bunch of kittens!

ROBERT
Defenseless kittens?

JOSH
Yes, defenseless kittens!

ROBERT
Bloomin' heck, Josh! We've got to do something.

JOSH
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ROBERT
You can start by telling me where this happened.

JOSH
I was...

JOSH fans himself and begins to wheeze.

ROBERT
Focus Josh, focus! Where did it happen?

JOSH
Chippewa Square, Savannah! That's right - Chippewa Square, Savannah!

ROBERT springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ROBERT rushes along the street, followed by JOSH. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - SHORTLY AFTER

DORIS JOHNSON a vile lion terrorises two kittens.

ROBERT, closely followed by JOSH, rushes towards DORIS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

JOSH
What is is? What's the matter?

ROBERT
That's not just any old lion, that's Doris Johnson!

JOSH
Who's Doris Johnson?

ROBERT
Who's Doris Johnson? Who's Doris Johnson? Only the most vile lion in the universe!

JOSH
Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile lion in the universe!

ROBERT
You can say that again.

JOSH
Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile lion in the universe!

ROBERT
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

Doris turns and sees Robert and Josh. She grins an evil grin.

DORIS
Robert Thornhill, we meet again.

JOSH
You've met?

ROBERT
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...


EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ROBERT is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DORIS. He takes off his headphones.

DORIS
Would you like some barley sugar?

ROBERT's eyes light up, but then he studies DORIS more closely, and looks uneasy.

ROBERT
I don't know, you look kind of vile.

DORIS
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile lion in the world.

ROBERT
Wait, you're a lion?

ROBERT runs away, screaming.


EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - PRESENT DAY

DORIS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

JOSH
(To ROBERT) You ran away?

ROBERT
(To JOSH) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ROBERT turns to DORIS.

ROBERT
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ROBERT runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

ROBERT
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.

DORIS
I'm not scared of you.

ROBERT
You should be.


EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

ROBERT and JOSH walk around searching for something.

ROBERT
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.

JOSH
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.

ROBERT
You know nothing Josh Olsson.

JOSH
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DORIS appears, holding a pair of guns.

DORIS
Looking for something?

JOSH
Crikey, Robert, she's got your guns.

ROBERT
Tell me something I don't already know!

JOSH
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ROBERT
I know that already!

JOSH
I still wear nappies.

DORIS
(appalled) Dude!

While DORIS is looking at JOSH with disgust, ROBERT lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

ROBERT
Prepare to die, you vile sprout!

DORIS
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of kittens!

ELIZABETH enters, unseen by any of the others.

ROBERT
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Robert Thornhill defender of innocent kittens.

DORIS
Don't hurt me! Please!

ROBERT
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!

DORIS
Because Robert, I am your mother.

ROBERT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

ROBERT
No you're not!

DORIS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

DORIS tries to grab the guns but ROBERT dodges out of the way.

ROBERT
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DORIS slumps to the ground.

JOSH
Did she just faint?

ROBERT
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

ROBERT crouches over DORIS's body.

JOSH
Be careful, Robert. It could be a trick.

ROBERT
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Doris Johnson is dead!

ROBERT
What?

ROBERT
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

JOSH claps his hands.

JOSH
So your guns did save the day, after all.

ELIZABETH steps forward.

ELIZABETH
Is it true? Did you kill the vile lion?

ROBERT
Elizabeth how long have you been...?

ELIZABETH puts her arm around ROBERT.

ELIZABETH
Long enough.

ROBERT
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Doris Johnson.

ELIZABETH
Then the kittens are safe?

ROBERT
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

ELIZABETH
You are their hero.

The kittens bow to ROBERT.

ROBERT
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Doris Johnson will never burgle kittens ever again, is enough for me.

ELIZABETH
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes ROBERT a healing talisman

ELIZABETH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ROBERT
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ROBERT
Well, if you insist.

ROBERT takes the talisman.

ROBERT
Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

ROBERT turns to ELIZABETH.

ROBERT
Does this mean you want me back?

ELIZABETH
Oh, Robert, of course I want you back!

ROBERT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ROBERT
Well you can't have me.

ELIZABETH
WHAT?

ROBERT
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

ELIZABETH
But...

ROBERT
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Josh.

JOSH grins.

ELIZABETH
But...

JOSH
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

ELIZABETH
Robert?

ROBERT
I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I think you should skidaddle.

ELIZABETH leaves.

JOSH turns to ROBERT.

JOSH
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ROBERT
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JOSH stops.

JOSH
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?

THE END



Created on 26th October 2023.





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