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This is a stock cover image. We regularly add new custom covers so come back tomorrow to see if we've made one for you.Vile Lion
A Screenplay by John DoeEXT. A BOOK SHOP - AFTERNOON
Kind doctor LORD ROBERT THORNHILL is arguing with friendly private detective DCI ELIZABETH SMART. ROBERT tries to hug ELIZABETH but she shakes him off.
Please Elizabeth, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Robert, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
ELIZABETH frowns.
I'm sorry, Robert. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ELIZABETH leaves.
ROBERT sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, funny gardener PROF JOSH OLSSON barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Josh! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion burgle a bunch of kittens!
Defenseless kittens?
Yes, defenseless kittens!
Bloomin' heck, Josh! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
JOSH fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Josh, focus! Where did it happen?
Chippewa Square, Savannah! That's right - Chippewa Square, Savannah!
ROBERT springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ROBERT rushes along the street, followed by JOSH. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - SHORTLY AFTER
DORIS JOHNSON a vile lion terrorises two kittens.
ROBERT, closely followed by JOSH, rushes towards DORIS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old lion, that's Doris Johnson!
Who's Doris Johnson?
Who's Doris Johnson? Who's Doris Johnson? Only the most vile lion in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile lion in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile lion in the universe!
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.
Doris turns and sees Robert and Josh. She grins an evil grin.
Robert Thornhill, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ROBERT is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees DORIS. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some barley sugar?
ROBERT's eyes light up, but then he studies DORIS more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of vile.
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile lion in the world.
Wait, you're a lion?
ROBERT runs away, screaming.
EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To ROBERT) You ran away?
(To JOSH) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ROBERT turns to DORIS.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ROBERT runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
ROBERT and JOSH walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.
You know nothing Josh Olsson.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, DORIS appears, holding a pair of guns.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Robert, she's got your guns.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I still wear nappies.
(appalled) Dude!
While DORIS is looking at JOSH with disgust, ROBERT lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you vile sprout!
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of kittens!
ELIZABETH enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Robert Thornhill defender of innocent kittens.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!
Because Robert, I am your mother.
ROBERT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
DORIS tries to grab the guns but ROBERT dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, DORIS slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.
ROBERT crouches over DORIS's body.
Be careful, Robert. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Doris Johnson is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
JOSH claps his hands.
So your guns did save the day, after all.
ELIZABETH steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the vile lion?
Elizabeth how long have you been...?
ELIZABETH puts her arm around ROBERT.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Doris Johnson.
Then the kittens are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to ROBERT.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Doris Johnson will never burgle kittens ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes ROBERT a healing talisman
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
ROBERT takes the talisman.
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
ROBERT turns to ELIZABETH.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Robert, of course I want you back!
ROBERT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Josh.
JOSH grins.
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Robert?
I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I think you should skidaddle.
ELIZABETH leaves.
JOSH turns to ROBERT.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JOSH stops.
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?
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